Lost Dreams
by Saphira.Flametongue
Summary: After Jayfeather, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf told him that they were his kits, what was he feeling after he ran off? A short one-shot that shows how Crowfeather felt following the revelation that Lionblaze, Hollyleaf and Jayfeather were his kits.


LOST DREAMS

Kits.

The single word raged inside my mind like a thunderstorm, each time ringing with a thousand different emotions I had never expected to feel again.

I had kits! But… Not with my mate, Nightcloud, or with my former love, Feathertail. The she-cat who had borne my kits was Leafpool, the medicine cat of ThunderClan.

Even as I ran, my body streaking over the wind-swept moors with scarcely a rustle, the image of her was burned into my eyes. Her soft amber eyes, shining softly in the moonlight as she told me she loved me…. The sweet scent of her pelt as we stood together under the cold stars…

No.

I shook my head irritably, trying to quash the feelings that surged up in me once more, clawing to find purchase in my heart. That moon was over and done with. Any ties I had with Leafpool had been broken when she had chosen her Clan over me. She meant nothing, nothing to me anymore!

Fury suddenly raged in my body, and I felt the fur on my neck start to bristle. Fox dung! I thought I had dealt with my past well enough, locking them into the secret chambers of my heart so that nobody would ever know how much I longed for all this to have been different.

I dug my paws into the sandy ground and pushed myself forward, running at breakneck speed to StarClan-knows-where. Why did this have to happen? I yowled silently in my mind, stopping on a small ridge at the edge of Clan territory. Why was my life so hard? All I ever wanted was to be mates with a cat I loved and have beautiful, healthy kits. What that really too much to deny me?

My flanks heaved as I fought for breath. Digging my claws deep into the ground, I narrowed my eyes as I stared up at the cold, unchanging flecks of starlight in the sky. Pretty to look at, but if StarClan was really there, why would they not help me? Why would Feathertail not come and visit me in dreams? She promised that she would never leave me, that she would always be by my side. Where was she now? Since that vision all those seasons ago, I had not seen her once. I had not heard her voice in dreams, nor feel her soft pelt brush against mine. Was she abandoning me?

At that thought, I felt as though icy claws had dug into my heart and raked across it, leaving the wound open, bleeding.

Tipping my head up, I closed my amber eyes and breathed in the comforting scents of the moorland, my home. Everything was dark. I could not see anything, but the scents suddenly seemed so much clearer. Was this how Jayfeather felt every single day of his life?

Involuntarily, my eyes flew open, and I blinked in confusion. Where had that thought come from? Why was there this sudden sense of protectiveness whenever I thought of my three kits? My three, beautiful, grown-up kits?

Strangely enough, the endearment seemed so much more fitting on the three ThunderClan cats than on my own publicly acknowledged flesh and blood. Breezepelt.

No! I flattened my ears, angry at myself. Breezepelt was my son. I had no other kits. Nightcloud was my mate. I had no others. Not now, not ever. Even as I tried to convince myself, the words rang hollow in my mind.

Sighing, my shoulders slumped as I lay on the ground, staring out into the lake. A flash of movement suddenly caught my eyes, and I leaned forward to see three lithe shapes gliding through the thick tangle of trees. I pricked my ears, leaning forward to see who they were. Was it… _Them?_ My ThunderClan kits?

I watched them till they disappeared from sight. A sense of wistfulness, protectiveness erupted in me. What would have happened if the badger attack had not occured? What would have happened if Midnight had not turned up to warn us? What if we had just travelled on, together, till the end of our days? _We would have been happy_, a small voice whispered at the back of my head. Just the two of us and our beautiful kits.

But if that had happened, I would never have known Nightcloud and Breezepelt would not have been born. At that, I felt a slight twinge of regret, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming sense of loss and grief I felt when I thought of the life I could have had…. The life that should never have been denied to me.

Rapid pawsteps behind me startled me, and I leaped up, spinning round, claws unsheathed as I faced the nameless cat. She stood in front of me calmly; a gentle smile on her mouth, but my heart plummeted.

"Crowfeather," She purred, moving closer till out pelts were brushing. A rough tongue rasped over my ears, as I returned the gesture in kind.

"Nightcloud." My voice was laced with the warmth I did not feel, covering up my disappointment, sharp as thorns. _Mousebrain. _Why would she travel all the way to WindClan territory just to speak to me? How would she even have known that I had been waiting?

Still, I had hoped.

"I was worried," Nightcloud murmured softly. "You didn't come back to camp after those ThunderClan cats ordered that they be allowed to speak to you."

She paused then, as though expecting me to say something. I didn't.

"What did they want?" She asked curiously, eyes reflecting the soft light of the moon.

I caught my breath, glancing away as I debated on what to tell her. Her familiar figure, normally enough to bring my peace, was not enough this time. I longed for another, a certain ThunderClan she-cat with glowing amber eyes. Leafpool.

Looking back at Nightcloud, I mentally shook my head. Enough was enough. They meant nothing to me anymore. My life was WindClan.

"Nothing much," I murmured back, leaning into her warm fur, pushing back the memories that came flooding unbidden into my mind. "The usual stuff."

I stood up abruptly, twining my tail with Nightcloud's as I touched my nose to hers. "Let's get back to camp. I'm tired, and you should be resting."

I barely heard Nightcloud's murmur of agreement, as I led her away in the direction of the camp.

Glancing back at the starry reflections, a sense of melancholy took over me. If thing had been different… If only…

_StarClan help me! _I begged the silent stars. _I don't know what to do!_

_

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__Author's Note: Tell me what you guys think! This is my first Warriors fanfic. Comments/ reviews/ criticisms are all welcome!_


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